My dad has been really quiet these days.
I look at him, hoping to see the world a little bit brighter today. My dad always cheers me up. I talk to him when others make me feel like a stranger, a parasite or an outcast. I tell him my thoughts and worries, because he is the only one who understands. All his life, he’s been a good listener. Whether it was me crying after falling off the swing at five, me failing my first test at nine or me going through my first heartbreak at sixteen.
Growing up, he never went for a day without climbing a tree. His childhood was the gateway to his adventurous life. He promised himself to ascend the highest mountains, get over the wildest obstacles, and face his biggest fears in the future. Failure meant nothing to him. According to him, if the will is strong enough, the goal is not far out of reach. And just like that, I watched him. I watched him climb the mountains he wanted to climb, reach the places he longed for, and become the father he hoped to be.
As soon as I learned how to be secure in my own body, he introduced me to his passion. At first, it was the tiny rock in our backyard. Soon enough, the rocks in the nearby forest, and after what felt like just a glimpse, the mountains he dreamed of standing on top of himself.
In my early years, I never quite understood what he saw in climbing. It was dangerous, exhausting, and you kept getting blisters on your hands from it. After years of experience, training and falls, something in my mind clicked. All the exhaustion, aches and views from the mountain tops help you develop mental strength. When you almost reach the end, you realize that giving up now wouldn’t be worth it. The only way to make yourself proud is by fighting until the end.
So I did.
The alarm goes off. I groan and make it go quiet. But my mind tells me otherwise, don’t let things go quiet now. Let them get loud and powerful.
I sit up and let my cold feet touch the ground beneath me. Today, I want to reach a new milestone. Not just me. It’s me and my dad. I give myself a good stretch, brush my teeth, and tie my hair into a tight ponytail. The climbing equipment is already by the door.
“Are you ready?“, I ask my father. He doesn’t reply, but that’s alright. He’s always been more of a listener. I take a good look at my phone, and text my friend.
“Hey, I’m going on a big climb today. If I don’t give you any sign of life in the next few days, I’m on the route to Mont Blanc.“
Within five minutes, a message came back.
“On your own? Be careful out there. What you’re doing is extremely risky.“
I look at the screen, let my eyes blink a few times before letting out a sigh.
“I’m not alone. I’m with my dad.’’
My message is left on read. I stuff my phone into my backpack, the door creaks as I open it. My footsteps leave prints behind me as I make my way to the route. I walk and walk, and the pace of my steps form into a rhythm. My eyes fall on the danger sign as I walk straight past it. As I face the surface of the mountain, I feel a drop of sweat building on my forehead. “If the will is strong enough, the goal is not far out of reach’’, I mumble.
“Ready, Dad?’’ I ask. The silence just grows.
The screw carabiner hooks in. My hands get warm and sweaty. But it’s alright, my dad is with me. I groan, grunt, grip and step. The climb goes on, even if the sun sinks and rises again.
The night has passed; I haven’t closed my eyes for longer than a second in the past hours. My knees are scraped, my hands wounded. I keep going, until I pull my weight up for the last time.
“We did it.’’
I let the wind caress my face, close my eyes, and take a deep breath. The birds chirp, the trees dance in the breeze. My backpack rests between my legs. I unzip it and take a good look before my vision gets blurry.
“I think it’s time. Don’t you think, Dad?’’
I take out the urn.
“You always wanted to climb Mont Blanc. And I promised you it was going to happen, right? In a way, you’re here, with me. But I know you, you don’t want to stay stuck in one place forever. You desire to be free. As much as it hurts me, I feel like this would’ve been what you wanted.’’
I open the lid, tilt the urn forward, and let my eyes follow his ashes as they blend with the wind. A knot forms in my throat. Tears start to form until they break out uncontrollably.
“I promise, I’ll search for you every day. And when we’re back together, we’ll climb every mountain together and we’re going to catch up on everything you’ve missed in my life. Thank you for everything. I love you, Dad.“
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